I'm always amazed at how cyclical life is. Things pop in and out of your life, reminding you of what's important, what matters. Case in point: the mysterious "phish" version of Snoop's "Gin & Juice." It was all over Napster in the late winter/early spring of 2000. It wasn't phish, (and I've since heard who it was and forgotten) but that didn't really matter. I really didn't care who sang it, I just loved the bluegrass version.
I hadn't heard that song in a long time, a year at least. I've got a massive bank of mp3s on my machine at work, nearly 10GB. And since I typically listen to music in shuffle mode, things often, well, get lost in the shuffle. So today (it's 11-14-01 as I write this) the song came on the jukebox and really took me back.
The reason it did has to do with Macworld. I came here after working at two failed dot-com start-ups, one a web magazine and the other a political action site. The first lasted nearly a year. The second never even made it to a permanent location. Hell I never even got a permanent chair. After that I tried my hand at freelancing and decided I couldn't make a go of it. It was okay at first, but I quickly realized that I didn't have the contacts or the drive to make a serious run at it. Between those experiences, my ego was completely crushed. Just smashed. I've never in my life been at a lower point, professionally, than I was then.
I completely doubted my ability as a writer. I thought I was full of shit and worthless. I was deeply ashamed of myself, taking the failures of the companies I'd worked for as my own. It was a big swing. In December of 1999 I'd been on top of the world. By June of 2000, when I went to work at Macworld, after what I considered to be three personal failures, I was a mess, utterly lacking in self confidence.
And around that same time, I started getting sick of "Gin and Juice," the novelty had worn off, and I was in no mood for happy songs. Overall Macworld was a great place to work, and very good for me. I got my shit together again, and I've got nothing but great things to say about the magazine and all the people that work there. But I say "was a great place to work" because last Monday, I handed in my resignation. I made it through a couple of rounds of layoffs and a forced vacation, several reassignments, and more meetings with vendors who absolutely wasted all of our time than I care to recall.
But sometime this Fall, I think it was not long after Granny died, my self-confidence returned. I also returned to the "life's too short" view. I need to be working somewhere that makes me feel like I'm bettering not just myself, but others as well. So I've left Macworld at perhaps the worst possible time to be looking for a job. But I'm not worried, and like it says at the top of the page, I'm not scared. I'm happy and on top of the world.
I'm rolling down the street, sippin on gin and juice, metaphorically speaking.